Bag and Crink(le) Strike Back
Bag and Crink(le) Strike Back
By SuperFolder Jawa
So it’s been a while since I last wrote anything down, all summer, actually. There wasn’t really anything to say anyway since Eric was on vacation with his family most of the time because they’re like super-mega rich. (Eric’s dad bought some Bitcoin back in the day or something stupid like that.)
Anyway, Eric got back two weeks ago and we started school last week, so we’re working for Harvey Dorkingham again. This year he decided to make an origami Darth Vader because some kid named Dwight was annoying him with a Yoda one.
To be honest I really couldn’t care less about the whole thing, but Harvey’s deal is that we get all of his cheese sticks and rib-b-q’s at lunch for the entire year so I’m pretty much game for whatever he wants me and Eric to do, as long as we don’t get expelled or something.
Harvey made his first request of the year to us during lunch. It was a little strange, but fairly simple: Check out all of the books about Booker T. Washington from the school library. When we asked why, he just said that he needed them for a history report he was writing. I have no idea why he couldn’t just check them out on his own, but hey, free cheesesticks, amirite?
Later that day, Eric and I went to the library and picked up every book like he said, easy peasy. As we were leaving, Tommy Lomax started to walk in and his jaw hit the floor when he saw us.
“What the heck, guys?!?” he shouted.
Obviously the librarian quickly rebutted with a “Shhh!”
Tommy sighed. “I’m doing my history report on Booker T. Washington! Are those really all of the books about him?”
“Uh, yeah, I think so.” I said. “Harvey told us that he needed them for his report.”
“Harvey is doing his report on Sigmund Freud! Why does he need them?!?”
“Maybe he changed his mind or something.” Eric said.
“Or maybe he just wanted to keep me from doing my report, that Imperial scum!” humphed Tommy. “You have to have at least two book sources from the library and now I don’t have them!”
“Man, that sucks.” I said as the bell rang. “See ya.”
As we left I heard Tommy let out one of those Charlie Brown yells of his, you know the ones. Followed by a final shush from the librarian, Eric and I walked back down the hall. Mission accomplished.
My little brother is a brat. Like a MEGA brat. But he’s one of those kids that knows he’s a brat, and acts like a jerk around kids, but like an angel around adults. So when other kids (including me) rat him out to my parents or a teacher or something, they don’t believe us. The little monster has his double-life on lock, and it’s so annoying.
But today was my lucky day.
See, since he’s the younger sibling, you know they always get what they want, so when he asked my mom for a skateboard out of the blue, OF COURSE she brought one home the next day and made me take him to the skatepark in Vinton:
Jake walked over from the Qwikpick, so we hung out while my brother skated or whatever. It was pretty boring, until we started actually watching some of the guys skating. They were doing all sorts of cool tricks, one guy even did an Ollie, which I think is like one of the hardest things to do while skating or something.
Anyway, my brother was just going around in circles, and whenever he tried any kind of trick, he’d fall flat on his face. And he Kept. Doing. It.
It was hilarious.
Now before you start to think that I’m the one being the brat here, he wasn’t getting scraped up or anything, he was just really bad at skateboarding.
So naturally as the big brother, Eric and I decided to start making fun of him while we were chowing down on those sweet QwikPick biscuits.
I think we may have been a little too mean, because the little brat started to break down and cry and he ran behind the snack shack.
“Aw man, if he calls mom I’m done for!” I sighed. “C’mon Jake, let’s go talk to him.”
We made our way over to the brat and sat down next to him.
“Hey man,” I said. “Sorry we made fun of you, please don’t tell mom, okay?”
The brat sniffled, “I don’t know, you really hurt my feelings, Eric.”
“Alright, what if I gave you the rest of my QwikPick biscuit? Then are we good?”
“Maybe” he replied. “Got anything else?”
This kid, man.
“Hmm…what if I gave you the rest of my biscuit and Jake’s?”
“Hey, no way dude!” shouted Jake. “I bought this biscuit, it’s mine!”
“C’mon, just give the kid your biscuit! I’ll buy yours next time.”
“Promise?” Jake said. “I know you like to skimp out of this stuff. You still owe me like thirty bucks for that-”
I cut him off. “Uh, just forget about what it was for, okay?!? I promise I’ll pay you back and get you a biscuit next time we go to the QwikPick.”
“You better.” Jake told me as he handed the brat what was left of his biscuit.
“Happy now?” I asked the brat.
He nodded, mouth full, “Mm-hm!”
What a relief. Last thing I needed was to get grounded again.
“So what do you guys wanna do now?” asked Jake.
“We could sit and watch the other guys skate, I guess.” I replied.
“Works for me.” Jake said as we walked back over to the chain link fence and leaned up against it.
We sat there in silence for a minute until the brat just burst out laughing at this kid who failed a kickflip.
“Hahaha!” he chuckled. “What a loser!”
“You can do better than that!” Jake said. “Try something like this: ‘You couldn’t even bullseye a womp rat, you nerf herder!’ Now you give it a shot.”
“Um,” the brat struggled for a moment and then shouted, “Man, what a nerf herder! You suck Bantha poodoo!”
Jake and I couldn’t help but laugh, it was pretty good.
“Nice one, bro!” I told him.
He smiled. “Thanks! This is fun!”
“Sure is.” I said. “Hey was that kid we just made fun of Kellen Campbell?” I asked Jake.
“Uh, I think so. I wasn’t paying much attention.”
So this whole story takes place during the first week of biology class, which sounds totally lame, right? Well this year it was awesome.
So Eric and I both got Ms. Porterfield’s class for the semester, and so did a bunch of other guys we knew like Sara Bolt, Dwight Tharp, and of course, Harvey.
Harvey got there late and the only open seat was next to Dwight, and you can imagine how that went…
Anyway after Harvey lost it, Ms. Porterfield said that we’d be collecting bugs for our first unit of the year, and immediately Dwight pops up his hand with Yoda and says “A hummingbird hawk moth, catch it we will!”
Apparently that’s like a really rare bug or something ‘cause Harvey pulled out Darth Paper and said something, I wasn’t really paying attention, his voice is so grating I’ve just kinda learned to tune it out.
So after they finished giving each other papercuts or whatever, we all went outside with our nets. The goal was for each team of two to collect three different kinds of bugs, which is really hard. So Eric and I just ran around the woods behind the school and made dumb jokes instead. Until Harvey walked up to us.
“What are you two dodobrains doing?” he squawked.
“Uh, just hanging out.” I said. “We tried catching some of these stupid bugs but it was too hard, so we quit.”
Harvey sighed. “Alright, well that’s good for me at least because I have a job for you. Dwight said that he’s gonna catch a Hummingbird Hawk Moth, okay? And what I need you guys to do is keep that from happening!”
Eric shrugged. “Sure, whatever. You know today is Rib-B-Q day at lunch though, so…”
“Yes, yes, I know!” Harvey shouted. “You can have my lunch if you just keep. Dwight. From. Winning. Kapeesh?”
So for the rest of the week Eric and I watched Dwight like a Hawk…moth.
It was almost more boring than catching bugs, but we got extra lunch, so it was worth it in the end.
For the entire week, Dwight kept catching bugs, but never a Hawk Moth, so we thought this was easy money – er, lunch.
But on Friday…Dwight saw it. Sitting on a fallen tree trunk, staring back at him. It was our time to act…if we weren’t busy throwing rocks into a pile because it was funny.
So Dwight caught the Hummingbird Hawk Moth, and Harvey got mad at us…again.
But we still got our lunch so it was all okay in the end.
So Jake and I were back in the school library one day messing around on the computer looking at YouTube videos, when Jake said something that would change the course of history forever.
“Hey dude, have you ever played on that website with the free ‘math’ games?”
“Math? Sounds boring.” I said.
“Yeah, but that’s just a code word, man! See, it’s this place with all these cool games, but it’s called ‘math’ so you can play it at school and the teachers will think you’re learning or something!”
“Ohhh, I get it!” I replied. “What’s the address for it?”
“Eh, it doesn’t really matter,” said Jake. “There’s a bunch but I’m pretty sure they’re all the same.”
So to Google we went, and Jake was right. There were about a million different versions of this “math” site, so it shouldn’t have mattered which one we clicked…right?
Well apparently it does matter because I clicked on one of the links and it took us to what looked like the right website, right? But then all of these ads started popping up, and no matter how many times we tried to close them out, more just kept showing up!
“What did you do, dude!?!” Jakes shouted.
“I don’t know, man! I just clicked on a link like you said!”
We must’ve been freaking out too loudly because right about then the librarian walked over to us.
“What’s going on here- oh, my!” she said as she saw some of the ads on the computer. “What are you two doing!?!? This is a middle school!”
“Uh, we just wanted to play some math games.” I said. “But then all of these ads started popping up and we didn’t know what to do!”
“UGNH!” shouted Jake as he unplugged the computer. He pulled it a little too hard though, and the entire computer fell on the floor onto the librarian’s foot.
“YEEEE-OWWWWW!!!” the librarian shouted in pain.
“Fixed it!” Jake said as he held the end of the cord. He looked at the librarian. “You know, you should probably be quiet, this is a library after all.”
The librarian looked at us with a face of pure rage.
“GET. OUT. NOW.” she said. “No more video games in this library, EVER.”
Needless to say, we listened and got the heck out of there.
Alright so I had been sick the last few days with the flu or something, so this was the first day I was back in school.
Eric and I were at lunch, and today was hotdog day, so no free food from Harvey.
I didn’t eat a whole lot when I was sick, so today I was especially hungry.
“Dang man, I’m so hungry. I wish today was Rib-B-Q day.” I said.
“Yeah. Maybe you can grab an extra dog when Lunchman Jeff isn’t looking.” Eric replied.
“That’s not a bad idea…” I muttered. “HEY LUNCHMAN JEFF! THAT KID JUST SPILLED HIS BAKED BEANS AGAIN!”
“What? Huh? Oh, man you darn kids, not again!” Lunchman Jeff said as he did that weird run of his across the cafetorium, mop in hand.
“Alright dude, you’re in the clear!” Eric told me. “Operation double dip is a go!”
I reached over the barrier between us and the food, and managed to grab an extra dog, no problem.
“That was way too easy!” I said as I took a bite out of the freshly acquired dog. “You’re a genius, Eric!”
“Just what do you think you’re doing?!?” said a familiar voice. A familiar, angry voice.
It was Principal Rabbski.
“Uh, grabbing lunch?” I said.
“Grabbing extra lunch, it looks like.” said Rabbski. “You know that we only get enough food to give students one serving each! Put that hotdog back, right now.”
“But I already-”
“I don’t want to hear it, young man. Put. The dog. Back.”
I shrugged and put the pre-eaten weiner back with the rest.
“I better not catch you trying something like that again, or you’ll be having a meeting with me in my office.” Rabbski spouted as she retreated back into the midst of the cafetorium to chew out more students.
“Dang man, that really sucks.” Eric said. “Hope nobody gets sick from the pre-eaten weiner.”
“Oh yeah, I didn’t think about that…” I said. “Well I can’t get it back now or Rabbski will just yell at me again.”
So we left the pre-eaten weiner in the batch, going to an uncertain fate…or so we thought.
Turns out that Harvey was the one who got the pre-eaten weiner and he did end up getting sick from it and throwing up in class.
Somehow he found out it was us that did it, and he fired us.
So no more extra Rib-B-Q’s for us, I guess.