The Escapades of Condiment Kirigami

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The Escapades of Condiment Kirigami

By Lord Toademort

Cover by SF Hades, Puppet by Toademort

Note: This tale takes place after Batfold 1 but before the events of Two-Pleat 

 

Condiment Log #49

By Smedly Maroni

 

Wednesday 

Target: Spencer Soto, freshman 

Okay. This is it, the moment of truth, the moment where I fail or succeed.  The time is currently 11:58 AM, and at precisely 12:00 the target will leave to use the bathroom.  Then, at 12:05, he shall return and in those few moments I will set my trap, heh-heh.  The target has left. I am putting on my puppet and moving in.  The time is currently 12:03 and I have planted the ketchup packets. I have two minutes to wait, I am very excited to see my plan come to fruition… MWAHAHA.  The Target has returned and he hasn’t noticed the packets…  He’s sitting down and…  and…  BLAM-O! the ketchup has gone all over his pants and now…   he needs to go clean them!  MWAHAHA! CONDIMENT KIRIGAMI WINS AGAIN!!!

 

The Next Plot

By Smedly Maroni

It is time to begin the next scheme, this one shall be the greatest to date.  The last 49 Plots were merely all a test leading up to this, Plot #50.  The target of this plot will be the mighty Terry D’Lunes, one of the popular elites here at Kane High School.  He holds great social power, the snarky imbecilic fool that he is.  You know, the other day Terry bumped into me and he didn’t even say sorry, that jerk!  He almost knocked down my ketchup tower!  That is why I have selected him for my first well known target.  This dastardly endeavor will take him down a peg or two  MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAA NOBODY IS SAFE FROM THE UNCANNY  CONDIMENT KIRIGAMI!!!!!

 

Preparation

By Smedly Maroni

 

While it would be nice to simply rush in and plant a packet, things just don’t work like that here at Kane.  No, No, No, rushing in without proper planning would be utter MADNESS!  Therefore, perfect plot preparation is required if I want to achieve my dastardly desires, and I have no intentions of failing.  Now, all I need to do is gather information on one of the most influential members of the Kane social order, information such as schedule, friends he sits with, allergies, etcetera, etcetera.  Hard, right? WRONG! This guy has a giant herd following him as is, I’m sure he wouldn’t even notice if that moronic mob were to merely multiply by one.  So, it’s really not hard at all especially for somebody as skilled as I: The Conceptual Condiment Kirigami!

 

Information Gathering

By Smedly Maroni 

Over the course of one week I have gathered much information on Target #50: Terry D’Lunes.  On average he goes to lunch a few minutes later then most of Kane, most likely to avoid the early rush, on average he goes to lunch at 11:52.  Him and his gang of popular friends then claim a table and within a few minutes they go to get their lunch, conveniently for me not a single one of them brings their own lunch to school.  Due to their late arrival they tend to have a moderately sized line to work through, this gives me anywhere from three to five minutes which is ample time to set my terrifying trap of condiment chaos.  I discovered he isn’t allergic to any condiments, this means I can go all out on this attack.  After I set my trap all I need do is sit back and wait as my perfect plot proceeds to cause crazed condiments to create supernaturally sticky stains!  Soon all my research will pay off…     I’m not a stalker… you are.  

 

Condiment Log #50

By Smedly Maroni

Monday

Target: Terry D’Lunes, sophomore

This is it, the day is here.  The day where that stupid schnook gets what he deserves.  The day where creativity causes condiment chaos.  The day where I deviously destroy the potential class president.  THE DAY WHERE THEY ALL RECOGNIZE THE TRUE VILLAINY  OF THE CORRUPT CONDIMENT KIRIGAMI!!!  But… I’m getting ahead of myself.  Now the time is currently 11:48 AM. I have sat down at a table in the general area of where the Target usually sits,  my condiment bag is fully stocked with everything I could ever need.  The time is now, now is the time, for the Target has arrived.  I can hardly contain my excitement.  The time is now 11:54 and the Target has arrived with his friends and claimed a table almost right next to mine which is completely convenient for the Condiment Kirigami.  This is great, they’ve already gone to get their lunch from the line, I’ve donned my puppet and I’m moving in.  How I’ll relish this moment.  I’ve planted my packets, everything from mayo to mustard.  Aw man this is gonna be good.  The time is now 12:02 and they have returned and I don’t think they’ve noticed. Yes, it would appear they’re distracted by their own conversation to notice my truly terrific trap.  The Target is sitting down… yes… yes… YES… KABLAMO THE CONDIMENTS HAVE EXPLODED EVERYWHERE ALL OVER HIS PANTS!!!  

 

Log Addendum:

Okay… so I’m writing this addendum about a day later due to unforeseen events which will be explained later, so this is what happened, I jumped up onto the table and yelled at the top of my lungs, “TAKE THAT, TERRY! CONDIMENT KIRIGAMI ALWAYS WINS, HA-HA!”  Yeah. Not sure what I was expecting when I did that but it definitely wasn’t what actually occurred.  

 

WHAT THE– 

By Terry D’Lunes

 

So my day was going perfectly fine, I arrived at school and got through the first half of the day without anything happening.  Then at lunch I was talking to my friends after I got my food and guess what happened?  As I sat down, several packets of condiments exploded all over my new white pants!  I stood up immediately, my pants were ruined!  Who would do such a thing?!  Well, I got my answer just a few moments later.  This kid with a puppet of some dude wearing his underwear on the outside, weirdo.  He announced himself as ‘Condiment Kirigami,’ what a loser.  Well, I walked over to him, I kinda recognized this kid too… I forget from where, though.  So, I yelled at him, “HEY YOU SMELLY MACARONI!!”  he responded with “It’s Smedly Maroni you incompetent fool, but you shall refer to me as the great CONDIMENT KIRIGAMI.”  I didn’t like being insulted like this so I said “who are you calling incompetent you idiot!”

“Hey, I’m not the guy with condiments all over his pants you dumb dolt.” 

“Yeah, speaking about that… WHAT THE HECK, MAN?!” 

“Oh, what’s the big dill? A couple of condiments never killed anybody… that’s not actually true but you know what I mean.”

I was getting kind of mad at this point “oh, I know you mean to get beat up if you’re messing with–” I got cut off because he shot some hot sauce out of a packet he had into my open mouth.  “ACK!!”  I ran over to the water fountain and began drinking in an attempt to cool the heat.  In between gulps of water I said “BOYS… GET… HIM!!!”  After my declaration my friends got up and ran towards Smelly Macaroni who ran off with a shout.  What.  An.  Idiot.  

 

OH NO

By Smedly Maroni

 

“OH NO”, is what I was thinking when Terry’s goons started chasing me.  

 

So naturally I had a choice: fight or flight.  Naturally, as a solo, self sustaining, super-villain I had no team health benefits or potential protection from possible promoters. I had no devious defensive should my condiment chaos come constricting my throat, thus I naturally chose the latter option.  However I can’t just rapidly run like some cowardly condiment chicken, no no no, I need to maintain my mighty reputation as the devious deceiver who cleverly creates condiment cacophony.  And so I ran off, yes, however not without issuing a challenge to these gullible goons. As I darted down the closest corridor I yelled out to them “KETCHUP IF YOU CAN, YOU INCOMPETENT IMBECILES!”  Like the idiotic inferiors they are, they followed.  

 

Chase Sequence

By Smedly Maroni 

 

At this point there were six of Terry’s gabby goons gathered against my glorious genius.  So, I looked into my condiment bag to see what I could use.  I say I had the ideal instrument to impede my impending doom and destruction, a jar of magnificent mayonnaise.  I took it out and opened it, “you mayo may not be able to handle this!” I shouted as I slammed down the mayo behind me, causing it to spill into a spectacular section of supremely oiled ground.  Behind me I heard some grunts and groans and so I looked behind to see two of them had slipped on my mayo and fallen, leaving only four to follow my fiendish footsteps.  

 

Unfortunately for me, however, the direction I had chosen would appear to lead to a doomed dead end which would, at first glance, seem to be my demise.  At first I thought so as well, however, I remembered my bag of crazed condiments contained compounds I could use to creatively cause chaos!  While I was searching I needed to stall for time to get it ready and so I began to speak to the goons “So, it would appear I’m in a bit of a precarious pickle now, doesn’t it?” 

“SHUT IT, SMELLY MACARONI!” 

“If you insist, however, I don’t think you’re quite pepper-ed for this one!”  and so I pulled out a pepper packet I subtly opened and flung it at their faces causing them to sneeze.  I was then able to capitalize on this chaos I had cleverly created and was able to brute force my way through.  After that I took a couple turns to make sure I had truly lost them and to my dismay one remained.  

 

It wouldn’t be long before I would come upon a stairwell, giving me a potential high ground advantage.  At this point my condiment bag was empty, my resources depleted.  Then I took a grave gamble.  I climbed up a few steps and waited for him to come a bit closer.  Just as he had reached the base of the steps I jumped from my perch and tried to put my bag on over his head.  I failed.  However my leap did surprise him, allowing me to react first, and I put my bag over his head and pulled down with my might, which to be fair isn’t particularly much, but it was enough to stagger the brute, the bag also temporarily blinded him.  This allowed me to escape without being followed.  

 

Aftermath 

By Smedly Maroni 

After I had escaped from Terry’s lame lackeys I made a triumphant return into the cafeteria to find that the time was now 12:08. The crazed chase had taken only 5 minutes!  I then confidently confronted that complete dunderhead-ed dolt Terry, who appeared to just have recovered from my heated hot sauce.  I said to him, “Well, well, well, Terry it would appear that the conquering Condiment Kirigami wins after all!” and, before he could respond I sneakily slicked back into the crazed crowd and deviously disappeared into it.  Overall I count this endeavor a complete success.  

 

No one can stop the chaos caused by my clever creations of condiment cacophony, not even Terry D’Lunes.

Smedly makes a cameo appearance in “Justice Pleats: The Scissors Cut”

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